Into the Shining Sun... Tabula Rasa

Drawing close to the tipping point...
I scramble from one room to another,
Searching for the nearest exit...

As the walls start closing in.

The paint on the walls starts to chip,
The floor wreaking of old blood...

So many versions around me...
Which one do I choose?

I lay myself on a chair nearby.
Looking at my notes of lives gone by...
Reality of the scratched lines...
Another line waiting to be crossed.

The cigarette gives up,

Strings of Floyd in my ears...
Gravity pushing me up,
Happy Place on the horizon.

The exit door gives way...
Towards the happy ending...

The ending I've always wanted...
Not the one being wanted for me.

Living by the road,
Lost in search,
And, Found in the search,
This Irresistible Silence...

Whats anything gotta do with it???

2 weeks before I was about to start work after my post graduation, I visited a friend at his house and told him how much I love to travel. He asked me about the places I have travelled to and my answer was ‘None yet. But I have plans.’ He’s a loud laugher and as you can imagine… he laughed loudly.

3 years, several places in India and in 12 other countries down, the last time I spoke to him, he told me he’s proud of me for the travelling. I hope to meet my friend soon and tell him that what you have done has nothing to do with what you can do.

The single most important value I grew up with has been that when you want something, want it badly enough to not stop until you get it even if it means you die trying. So far, its die trying mode and I hope it wouldn’t be by the time death really does come. I didn’t grow up with a lot of luxuries, didn’t even have a toy to play with growing up but I grew up learning how to fend for myself and to value those luxuries. Life’s too short to be poor. 

I don’t believe that what happens is always meant to happen. I believe what happens is what you consciously do to make things happen. Before everything that happens in life, there is a moment when you decide who you want to be and that determines the choice you make. It may even be a split second but its there. 

I blame my mother for this. Its not always the most convenient life philosophy to be handed over. I didn’t grow up wanting a convenient life, I grew up wanting the life I want. I see no greater reason for doing anything than the desire to want to do it. The desire to do something can override just about everything else. I don't want to have to ever make a choice, I want it all.

Logic often does not define the most adventurous things in life- Skydiving… Bungee jumping…  Cult groups… Marriage…

I don’t have stability. I do have happiness.

I don’t have addictions. I do have too much variety to develop an addiction.

I don’t have a lot of good friends. I do have friends who I can call even at 4am… and they pick up.

I don’t have a car. I do have stories about the people I've met while travelling in public transportation.

I don’t have a house. I do have an exit strategy no matter the place... or person.

I don’t have a liking for self-help books. I do have good taste in music.

I don’t have insurance. I do have the budget for my next travel plan.

Impossibilities of a Moment

With the shadow of a smile,

The moon murmurs its presence.

Gleaming on my window,

While the world around passes me by…

En route to another destination,

While I imagine the one after that…

Anticipation of the void,

Towards yet another everlasting search...

Warmth of the night enveloping me,

As I dream of realities that will never be,

The people I will never meet,

And the destination I will never find…

Lost in a haze I created,

I smile at the moon,

To the honesty on a stranger,

Strangely lost on the loved ones…

Nostalgia of a song shared once,

A moment lost in time,

A belief of belonging,

A belief lost in time…

Impossibilities of a moment,

Relived only in silence…

Relived only in between moments…

Relived only to never be lived again….

Within and Without

She traces the last drop of rain on the window pane,

Till they leave her looking into blank space…

A faint light in the sky… Sounds of the world crawling up on you…

While the curtains dance violently through the mist…

Another story and it will be over,

Love to story… Indifference to character.

Another moment and it will be over,

Easy come… Easy Go.

Another experience and it will be over,

Cat’s nine lives… Magical dreams.

Tired by the noise within,

She makes her way to the noise without…

Looking for the answers within,

Searching through the answers without…

Another milestone and it will be over,

Definitions aplenty…

Another discovery and it will be over,

Epiphanies aplenty…

Another memory and it will be over,

Detachment aplenty…

Hidden behind her veiled indifference…

Along the shores of sanity and insanity…

Directionless to the journey…

Hope within… Reality Without…

Addiction to Addictions

At the stroke of midnight,

She creeps into my mind…

Drowning me in her words.

 

She tempts me with everything I never wanted,

Teasing me to the verge of a conclusion.

Leaving me hanging by my own words,

Before I can stop her every night.

A voice within tells me to stop.

It tells me of all she could destroy…

Tonight I want to be destroyed.

She comes to me every night,

Tiptoeing but never looking at me.

The longing to consume her,

Consuming me deeper every night.

I seek help to an addiction,

An addiction to addictions,

The need for something elusive,

Moving beyond wrong and right…

Moving on to what makes me feel….

The desire to never be fulfilled... 

Any feeling will do tonight.